February 2025

Thank god I seem to be slowing down—only 40 films this month. My seasonal depression has finally arrived and I've been putting off a lot but I'm gonna stick to this.

I should also clarify that many of the Noir movies I'm watching will be reviewed not so much by me but by my D&D character, Joe Noir. That won't entirely help your confusion, but you should probably know that.

 

Groundhog Day [1993]

This movie will always make me think of my dad, and forever embedded the 'time loop' as one of my favorite vehicles of storytelling.

As the hilarious and witty Bill Murray ascends to godhood in search of meaning, secondary characters become alive in the little town of Punxsutawney and give this film the life that has sustained it for over three decades. I could watch it on repeat.

    9/10

    Beaux Score: "Average Groundhog Day"

Too Old To Die Young [2019]

I've only ever seen Drive by the director Refn before, so I thought I'd check this out since it seems to have a message I vibe with and was well reviewed. What I found was 12.5 hours of stretched dialogue over a mostly fixed / slow panning camera filming hyper fetishized scenes populated by morally dead characters. The show seems more focused on hypnotizing its viewer with a glacier speed pacing than entertaining them—and I don't mean the way they're melting, I mean the way they used to traverse a landmass.

It certainly is a piece of art meant to make you feel something, and I think it did it's job. I hated the characters, I hated their struggle, I hated the world they lived in, I hated myself. However, there is a perfect beauty that he can create sometimes that I don't think could occur outside of this frustrating style of filmmaking: moments that made me genuinely laugh or grabbed me completely, right along side moments that horrified and sickened me. But for the most part, it was barely watchable & frankly self indulgent nonsense.

I wouldn't recommend this to anyone I love.

    3/10

Legally Blonde [2001]

I long for the world of the fictitious US criminal justice system often displayed in these sorts of movies. A place where anything can happen, and a brass section sits just off screen for when justice prevails—instead we have Clarence Thomas.

Full disclosure: I am using this movie as a palate cleanser from the last review. I had fun though, gotta admire the girl's determination.

    7/10

The Brides of Dracula [1960]

Maybe the dumbest main girl in a vampire movie ever. I wanted more Van Helsing, Peter was C[r]ushing it!

This is basically how it ends.

    6/10

Prom Ride [2015]

I want to tear out my eyes and scrub my brain with steel wool. My friend Max told me to see this because he remembers seeing a bad movie (and nothing else).
It may be the actual worst thing I have ever seen.

    0/10

    Beaux Score: "Made me want to take my eyes out with a garden trowel"

Dragonlance: Dragons of Autumn Twilight [2008]

Direct to VHS level animation. The movie lulls you into believing it's completely a kids show so the PG-13 moments kinda hit. I'm running a Dragonlance game at the moment so mostly it just tickled me. 

    5/10

The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas [2008]

Watch Life is Beautiful instead. 
Sad does not equal good ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

¡Tierra de Aguafiestas!

Plus two for the main actor, Asa Butterfield—Adolf ass looking kid but he did great. Plus two for the score, by far the best part of the movie. Plus two for being anti-nazi, however the fact that the father didn't immediately murder as many soldiers as possible before killing himself at the end is a narrative failing; so minus two, not enough dead nazis. One quick google after the film and I can see there is a lot of controversy surrounding the film and original novel, including its historical inaccuracies and accusations of it exploiting the genocide. So minus another two for that.

    2/10

Dallas Buyers Club [2013]

I think Ron and Rayon's friendship is beautiful.

McConaughey delivers while looking damn near dead. Leto (while not the actor that should have been cast here) does a great job. I think it overall should've been more queer and I would've liked to see our two leads spend more time together. I like it a little less as an adult, but I still enjoyed the narrative.

    7/10

    Beaux Score: 8/10 "American healthcare wants your faggy ass dead"

Whistling in the Dark [1941]

Silver Haven Manor, just outside the city.

After being introduced to the worlds most banal cult of sad women, we meet Mr. The Fox. It was clear to me immediately that the man doesn't have enough sense to rub together, but I recognize a man with magic in his pocket even if he doesn't. The cult sees this too as they enlist him in writing the perfect murder, taking his fiancé and some dame with a side of sass hostage to ensure it! A lot of people might wonder why a man like Mr. The Fox has so many women in his life, but I am a defender of this poor fated soul—honestly, how do you get away from them? Please, submit any genuine advice via telegram.

An absurd but engaging comedy that reminded me a lot of a caper I got into with an ex & my then fiancé, only it wasn't a cult and we broke up after.

    8/10

Anora [2024]

The home invasion scene is the funniest shit I've seen all year, and I loved Igor from his first awkward "hi". I’d like to give immediate praise to the cinematographer, Drew Daniels—I wasn't sold on the 35mm lens at first, but I think it was perfect.

I'll need to watch it again to be sure of my rating.

    9/10

Wait Until Dark [1967]

Pros:

• Really cool and convincing portrayal of a blind person!
• Hepburn's graceful stage presence
• Alan Arkin's weirdo villain
• Surprisingly tense (the jump scare got me)

Cons:

• The soundtrack (except for the climax)
• Hepburn's dramatic stage performance
• The questionable caper from the criminal element when they were clearly not above killing to get what they want.

But also fuck Sam kinda a little. Like wtf was his problem, why didn't he go to her?? Support your wife!

    7/10

Matewan [1987]

I wish you all a very pleasant impending class war.

I love all the messages this movie pushed: organization, integration, pacifism as well as violence, stealing from corporations, and sharing our misery.

    9/10

Uncut Gems [2019]

I clocked pretty much exactly how this film was going to end after it's first half hour, but my heart was still racing in that last half hour anyway. Very anxious movie, with a great dramatic performance from Sandler. People like this scare me.

I really didn't care what was happening to to any of these greedy fucks, so I don't know if I'll ever revisit it. It was a wild ride tho.

    7/10

Bones and All [2022]

Ghoulish love.

Heard the soundtrack to this movie first (Reznor & Ross are too good to us) and decided to check it out. I wasn't sure how I was gonna feel about it after its fascinating opening with a very slow and disorienting middle. Rylance was such a unique casting choice but I really liked it. I don't even know if I fully get this movie, but I can't get over how perfectly it balances both its romance and horror elements. I feel like it never really came together quite right, but I like what it tried to do.

A truly intimate & visceral tale. If survival is consumption, then I'll give you everything—bones and all.

    7/10

Nosferatu the Vampyre [1979]

You, going to Dracula's castle because you're horny about vampires.

Me, an intellectual, going because it's the most beautiful nature walk in all of Transylvania! The blood is the life and it is thriving up there!

I loved the camera—how it would fix itself to odd angles in one shot and then frantically follow through narrow corridors in the next. I loved all the shots it took its time on, Herzog definitely has a good eye.

The soundtrack threw me for a loop and made me feel like I was listening to some bastard child of Hereditary & The Grand Budapest Hotel's scores, despite preceding both of them by decades.

Dialogue clearly needs some work, as does some of the writing in general. I feel like this is a film is brilliant in that it needs to be studied, not enjoyed; but also maybe that's just how German expressionism is.

    6/10

The Lovely Bones [2009]

This is a movie that suffers by trying to do too much and accomplishing nothing. Is it about an imagined afterlife? An intense mystery? Murdered / Missing Women? Grief? And what is it trying to say about any of these things—honestly wtf is the takeaway here??

All I know is: casting Mark Walberg was a blunder, the breathy narration really started to bother me way too early, and the movies What Dreams May Come & Always are better versions of this idea.

    2/10

Alphaville [1965]

Alphaville, galaxy unknown.

Lemmy Caution lets out his Johnson and takes a chance on love in this cold war fueled French sci-fi about AI—Alpha 60 that is, the mid machine who needs his piped cleaned. At first I liked Alphaville; level 3 seductresses and sedatives complimentary with your stay, with just enough controlled chaos to make it interesting. But soon the message becomes clear: adapt, kill yourself, or we'll do it for you and either option is fine by us. Governed by logic and reason, Alphaville is a bleak, artless, loveless, and paranoid place, but Caution is too cool for all of that—too cool for locked doors, too cool for conversation even! The fact is he's got the gun, he's just turned a corner, and you're in his way.

This poetical piece of romance film felt very ahead of its time with its dazzling lights and bleak philosophy, and other times it felt like I had taken too many of those complimentary sedatives. I don't gotta pay for these right?

    6/10

Silence [2016]

"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the LORD ponders the heart."
Proverbs 21:2

I was confirmed in the Catholic church under Saint Francis Xavier. I won't bore you with the details of my religious upbringing or my crisis' of faith through the years, but I thought about that detail. I thought about a lot while watching this movie; if you have any background in religion, it almost demands this reckoning within you. Scorsese was also raised Catholic, guilt is a constant struggle of his protagonists and it is no different here. It's brutal, it's honest, it's beautiful, and it was 3am when I saw it so I will need to see this again

    9/10

About A Boy [2002]

You cannot escape how british this film is, but it makes up for it by being funny and heartfelt. I'm not worried about what my depression will do to my kids why do you ask?

    7/10

Breakdown [1997]

It's a simple premise, but it did a truly excellent job sustaining the tension it built at every turn. I have no idea how this film flew under my radar for so long. Loving your spouse is a valid personality trait!

Anyway I'm going to go cuddle my wife now...

    8.5/10

Watchmen: Chapter I & II [2024]

It is a more accurate telling of the comic, no doubt. However, with the exception of Troy Baker, the voice acting felt disappointingly fine. Line delivery in some iconic moments and therefore the characters themselves feel flat. But I felt something similar after watching Batman: The Killing Joke also, which had perfect voice acting. I think I just had high hopes, and it’s just fine.

    6/10

    Beaux Score: "Animate more superhero movies!"

You've Got Mail [1998]

I was totally at a loss about what I wanted to rate this perfect yet flawed romcom...

After sitting with it for a week (and at the advice of my friend Zach who recommended it to me), I've decided to embrace it's flaws, turn on my inner coffee gal, and just enjoy the treat. I will need to see it again.

¡Tierra de Aguafiestas!

I really did love it. I love an enemies to lovers plot so god damn much. I loved all of the side characters, I think that is an important and underrated part of rom coms. The second act denial is common element of this genre, and it's been a while since I saw one this brutal—mega props for that. Meg Ryan is just adorable and I love her in everything. I also think it's a perfect 90's movie in a lot of ways. We're at the dawn of a new century, with this growing access to technology. There was a loveable dog shoehorned into as many scenes as possible. Dying small business america (there's a fucking "bomb your local megacorp" suggestion which I laughed at for way too long). Tom Hanks is in it. I was laughing the whole time, and that is how I felt for 95% of this movie.

And then there's the 5%, and oh boy how specific and visceral my critiques are for that last little bit. It feels worse than tripping at the finish line, because that implies something accidental. The first moment was when Joe Fox met the cashier: he made a lot of noise about if Kathleen needed money despite knowing damn well she's probably struggling and then of all things he makes a fucking knock knock joke? If I was that cashier I would have put a gun in my mouth on the spot. And are we just supposed to be okay and move on from the fact that HE RUINED HER FUCKING LIFE?? Also maybe I'm just better / have the advantage of the 4th wall, but I was convinced that she had figured it out after he brought her flowers and they were doing a bit. I think it would've been cuter if it was a bit. 

    7/10

Maverick [1994]

I wish I could've watched this with my grandfather, and I say that with as much praise as I can possibly convey.

    10/10

Short Term 12 [2013]

The only thing I support more than girl rage is LaKeith Stanfield.

Larson giving her best performance I've seen. It didn't hit me as hard emotionally as I think it will for others, but I thought the love displayed in this movie was beautiful.

    8/10

American Psycho [2000]

Just straight up Bale's greatest performance. He carries the entire movie with perfect line delivery and subtle practiced facial expressions, that I forget between viewings how funny and anxiety inducing this fucked up movie actually is.

    9/10

    Beaux Score: "Recommend this to your Tumblr friends."

Sugarcane [2024]

Oh just a documentary on Native American boarding schools.

    9/10

Constantine [2005]

I love that John Constantine is a DC hero.

Batman is fighting Joker for Gotham's soul and he's a pawn in God and the Devil's badminton game. Super aliens are here on earth, but John couldn't care—he has lung cancer, and fuck it why stop smoking now? How some noir themed bastardization of catholic dogma with half baked mysticism bullshit like this can be so enjoyable is beyond me.

    8/10

    Beaux Score: 7/10 "I want him to team up with Wonder Woman, minus one because Satan should've been hot"

Beasts of the Southern Wild [2012]

This is a film about survival, and if it's hard to look at it's because you haven't had to see it before. People who are claiming this is glorifying poverty are ridiculous—how tf do you think the Indigenous were living before y'all came??
This film is difficult to explain fully. I don't condone every element put on screen, but I don't think it’s bad because it depicts a people in tune with their environment despite the encroaching threat of climate change.

¡Tierra de Aguafiestas!

I also think we should commit eco-terrorism more often in general, but maybe that's just me

    8/10

Ngati [1987]

Nothing but respect for the Māori!

This gentle island movie provides the template of success for Indigenous everywhere:

• Building community so tightly knit it is basically family
• Sharing food, joy, wisdom, and grief, and in doing so following the ways of our ancestors
• Seizing the means of production

    8.5/10

The Rescuers [1977]

Slow & gloomy, but still a very charming story featuring the cuntiest child abductor in the swamp.

I don’t understand why the Rescue Aid Society gathered the mice of the world? Why did that need to be an international decision, and why send only two??

    7/10

    Beaux Score: 7.5 "The villain is so much worse watching as an adult"

Call Northside 777 [1948]

Chicago, USA.

Jim is a supposed reporter for one of the most prestigious papers in the city. I'll give him credit, he's a bloodhound when he can be convinced to get his nose in the mud. And despite all the turmoil, he found that bone after all—and what a good boy Jimbo is—but if the cur had a single original thought floating around in his skull he'd be diving deeper into the literal conspiracy at play! I cannot abide mediocrity in the face of evil.

Minus an additional star because no dames. ACAB, and you can tell Lauren I said that! I WOULD SAY IT TO HER FACE, EVEN IF IT COST ME HALF A SILVER PIECE FOR THE PLEASURE!

    3.5/10

Dead Man [1995]

As long as your indigenous lead knows more than every colonizer around them, you can make your western as batshit as you want and I'll still rate it as watchable (if only barely).

    5/10

Captain America: Brave New World [2025]

Pros: 

• Black Captain America(s)
• I saw this for free

Cons:

• The entire rest of the film, front to back
• The very real possibility the children running up and down the aisles all movie gave me and my wife COVID

My friend also thought I paid too much for the movie and sent me this right after.

    2/10

    Beaux Score: "Fellas, bring back out the garden trowel"

Two Weeks Notice [2002]

I related most strongly to Grant's driver: he’s the token minority, an expert on all things women & chess, and he also checked out of the movie about halfway through 😛
And now that I've insulted my friend that recommended this to me once again, here are my real thoughts: It's a good no-brain kinda romcom. Grant and Sandy B basically play themselves and it works. I'm just not that charmed by Grant I think, but I have only ever seen him play rich assholes so...

    6/10

Clearcut [1991]

Where has this movie been all my life?
I am one bad day from becoming Arthur and taking as many of my white friends with me on this exact sequence of events! I'd write more to prepare you, but we prefer oral tradition anyway. 

    10/10, no notes

The Big Year [2011]

The birds were the best part of this otherwise very cute movie, and also a fun prequel to Gone Girl staring Rosamund Pike.

    7/10

    Beaux Score: "Rosamund Pike needs to Gone Girl this birding clown"

There's Something About Mary [1998]

This movie isn’t the greatest, but it is essential to understanding my family's lexicon. I also forgot how this helped instill in me from a very early age how creepy male entitlement is, and scarred me for life about zipping up my fly.

    6/10

    Beaux Score: "I have been shown so much of this movie by mu brother & father in-law, it feels like part of the fam"